I do not have a spirit of fear

"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self control." 2 Timothy 1:7


For as long as I can remember, I have suffered from severe claustrophobia. As in I have never been able to sleep with my sheets tucked in, I cannot go in caves and if a roof is low I really don't like it. I have no idea where this fear came from, all I know is that it has impacted my life. As such, it became another obstacle when I got diagnosed with cancer, as there are a lot of tests that really mess with a claustrophobic person. To get through these tests,  I had to take medication. Every MRI, CT or PET scan saw me reaching for a pill that would leave me groggy (which I hate) and still anxious. 

About a year ago I arrived at the nuclear medical centre for a PET scan to realise that I had forgotten to take the medicine. My husband decided to go home and get my medicine, convinced like myself, that I needed it. But God was not having it. Not long before this appointment I had received prayer from my minister and two other people in my church, one of the prayers prayed specifically were against claustrophobia. While I was waiting for Pete to return with the medication I prayed.  While praying the verse "for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self control." 2 Timothy 1:7 kept coming to me. I had this strong sense of God telling me I did not need the medication. It was so strong that I decided I was doing this without it. Imagine Pete's surprise when he came back and I said thanks but no. 

The people at the PET scan place are lovely. One of the things they let me do is have my music blaring during treatment. I have created a play list that is filled with Christian songs praising God. So with that as my background,  I lay down, closed my eyes and focused on praising God. There was no fear and I got through that scan unscathed. I did it. This became my go to. 

These two weeks I was to face some challenges. Well I guess they were to my old way of thinking. I had to have a tight mask made so they could do radiation to my brain. This mask covers my whole face and during treatment it is clipped in super tight as the whole purpose of it is to make sure my head does not move at all. I thought this was going to be challenging, but God showed me again He had healed me. 

I travelled up to Sydney for them to make the mask. The radiologist told me they would put on the mask material and some people felt like it was a nice face mask. The cynical person inside snorted privately, but when she made it, I realised she was right. Making the mask was actually not a bad experience. First hurdle over. 

I then had a PET scan on Monday. For the first time ever I went into the tunnel and it felt like I was in this large dome. I can't explain it but there was no sense of enclosure. I was in a dome, like a church and the praise music was pumping. 

The final confirmation came today with the radiation. I was asked to lay done on the machine with my head in the back of the back part of the mask. The lovely radiologists at St Vincents allowed me to also have my praise music blaring. I lay down and then they put the front of the mask on. They clipped it in. I couldn't speak as it was on that tight. But strangely I did not have any fear. There was a peace. They asked me some questions, like are you ok, and I found it a bit funny communicating with my hands. I had no issues with the treatment. At the end of it, both Pete and I expressed how fast the process went. The radiologist said I was one of the quickest they had done as I kept so still and made no fuss. They even commented on how the music must have helped. This to me is a miracle. 

This cancer journey has been an interesting one. It is one I would not wish on anyone. But through it all God has shown me so much about His love. He is a healing God. I am still praying for physical healing but there is no doubt that God has been healing me in many ways, be it in relationships with people, in my understanding of Him and in this big way of healing the claustrophobia that held me captive.  

Lying on that machine, the cold air conditioned atmosphere blanketing me, I had no fear but I felt power, love and self-control. On the drive home Pete asked me if I had felt anxious the day before and I said no. He said you didn't seem to but I wondered

. 

Whatever healing you are seeking from God, I encourage you to keep praying, to keep trusting and to hold onto this verse from 2 Timothy. 

 


 

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